Well, its been a long time since I have written. Life has many ways of surprising you! The past few days have been no exception.
Things got a little sticky with Mr. X for a little bit and it was tough. Seeing this side of him through out this whole process has been tough. In this time the divorce has been final. People have been technologically blocked and guess what? Life has gone on.
What I want to share with you is what happened Monday night with Mr. X. Before you read on you must know that I never thought I would see this happen. I feel a relief of many sorts but my heart also breaks. My heart breaks in not a love way (that was squished a long time ago) but it broke to see this man cry and pour his heart out. This chapter of my life has been shut for some time now, but now its sealed and tucked away.
Mr. X had texted me and asked if we could talk. I was immediately curious. Seeing how this was not like him. When I had returned home, we met up at the church. I could tell something was immediately wrong when he walked around to my door. I got out to him immediately hugging me and just bawling. After a moment I was able to sit him down and ask him what was wrong...to my surprise he started apologizing. He was sorry for everything. He continued to tell me that it was all his fault and how he had lost everything. He could now see how everyday I had showed him in some way or form that I loved him. I had sacrificed everything to make sure he was happy. How I had fought long and hard and how no one would have gone to the extent I did. He cried throughout our whole conversation. My heart pounded and my thoughts swirled in my head. Yet, I did not feel anger or hatred for Mr. X; not even love. I felt an immense feeling of peace and felt compelled to share with him my thoughts. I told him I had forgiven him a long time ago and it was time for him to do the same. I told him how I struggled with my weight/appearance everyday and told him when it came time for him to marry his next queen, that he should never let a day go by without loving her. Never stop dating her and let her know how beautiful she is. He cried and shook his head, telling me it was over for him. He realized that after he attended a movie at the visitors center earlier that evening.
Much was said that night but there was one thing that stood out more than others. He was quiet for a moment and then asked if hypothetically if we could start hanging out again..perhaps even date and how crazy it would be if we got remarried. He asked if that was a possibility. My heart broke with sadness I cant explain. Here was this man that I had once upon a time loved and now all i felt was hollow towards him. He must have met me with at least a glimmer of hope. I told him that I couldn't. I had been hurt too much and since him I have been on dates, I have been shown more respect in one date than all our marriage. I knew what I deserved. He began to cry even harder as I told him how he deserved happiness. He would find it again one day, just not with me.
Eventually I had to tell him he had to go home, we got out and I gave him a hug. Feeling his arms around me crying and holding on tight made me realize how strong and how much I have come since everything. I wiped away his tears and told him I was sorry that I couldn't do it again. Even as he asked if there was no hope I had to tell him again..No.
I never thought I would see this day. I had heard from my Bishop, my family, my friends..everyone..that I had done everything possible to save my marriage-mentally, spiritually and physically possible. Yet, to hear it from him was a huge relief. I am sorry that he is hurting and hope in time he can forgive himself. I am not sorry though that he finally realizes what he did have.
Whats next for me? Im moving in with some good friends of mine, attended a singles ward this past Sunday and went to their getting to know you fhe. I have my good days and my bad. I am happy and ready for the next part of my life. If that brings me trials, happiness, love..whatever it may be. I am ready. I am so thankful for the gospel and the examples around me.
Goodnight y'all :)
