Tonight's thoughts

Well it's been a while since I last posted. A lot has changed.

 First of all, I just found out from my attorney that our papers were signed back in August so the middle of November everything will be final. I have a lot of mixed emotions right now; I feel relieved. I feel like a failure. I'm excited to see what life has in store for me next. I'm just glad to finally have heard something. I've came to an understanding that this doesn't make me a failure in life but it's still hard to see something I've worked at and something I put my whole heart just fail.

This may sound silly and I know you hear lots if girls complain about this BUT I've been freaking out lately. I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. And I hate it. I run. I work out. I cut out sugars and nothing. I look at myself and I'm at the weight that I was at when I separated Mr. X, which reminds me of how I know have my back handles back ( For a while I got super skinny after we separated. Due to stress and excessively spending time at the gym..not healthy I know) and I just see everything that is wrong. My face has chosen now to break out and all of the insecurities from Mr. X would point out are atill there. Is that normal?  I know it takes time but when I look at myself it's hard to see someone slightly pretty. Okay. Pity party is over.

I have this book..it's like a mini journal and I found it yesterday going through boxes. Each page has a day at the top. For example; September 30 -with 5 boxes underneath. You write the year in it and a little note about your day. A 5 year journal! I was married in December of 2011 and exactly 1 week later I had wrote this "Sometimes I fel like a huge failure. Once again I can't do anything right without having Mr. X criticizing how I do it."  Reading that and everything I had written for a few months shocked me. I went to my mom crying that same day because that was the first time he told me how I was skinny but I needed to lose my love handles.  I bring this up because it does hurt and I believe it will always hurt even just a little but  even through these tough moments and nights where it hits me that I do forgive him. I forgive the things he did and the things he said. I truly do wish him the best. I hope one day he realizes the potential he has and the man he can be and can find happiness again.

How did you forgive the one that hurt you? When did you have that moment of true understanding? How did you forgive yourself?

So many thoughts are in my head like always.

Learning to slowly forgive

I recently finished an amazing book by Chris Williams titled "Let it go". Many of you have probably heard of his story. He lost everything practically.. One crash took the lives of half of his family. Yet he still found the power to forgive! I remember hearing about it on the news long ago but never gave it another thought until I stumbled across his book in the library. An answer to many prayers!  

He speaks of the invitation that was taught to us.. "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matthew 11:28–29). To let go, move forward and be healed.

I've really been trying to learn to forgive. To let go of my anger and hurt. Not only to forgive Mr. X but to forgive myself. I tell myself if I could have only gone back & not gone to school for more time at home. If I had only gone to the gym in the beginning I could have been more attractive for him. So many if's. 

My Bishop told me forgiveness is not only to forgive him but to forgive yourself and I never fully understood that until reading this book. I know with the Lords help that I will be able to forgive. It's hard.. really hard but not impossible.

This morning I went back home to visit with my Mom before I had to go to work; one thing lead to another & soon we were talking about of course the divorce when my Mom brought up my ex mother-in-law. She ran into her and told me they started talking about me. She expressed how much her and her husband loved me (The whole family misses and loves me). She told my mother how they worry about me each day.. wondering if I'm happy & if I'm okay etc. We talked for a while when my Mom told me that she will always love Mr. X and that she forgives him. She hopes that soon over comes whatever is wrong and one day that he is happy. This is big for her... really big! A mother is very protective and she was absolutely not happy to even see him or hear his name or anything that had to do with him for a long time. It helps me to know that my family is also forgiving. Especially considering our families get along great still and its hard for everyone.

 

Since then my ex mother-in-law has been on my mind. At times I found it difficult to get along with her, she was always so proper and I never doubted that she loved me but I felt I just wasn't good enough sometimes so I never took the time to truly get to know her as I should have. Towards the end of my marriage was when we became really close. She helped me a lot. I never thought of how hard it must have been on her. To watch her son act the way he was and doing the things he had done. I will never forget the one day I was at school when she asked if she could come and see me, I went out to her car so we could talk and I could tell she had been crying and was nervous. We hadn't talked long before we were both crying. She told me that I was a beautiful girl. I wasn't fat like Mr. X would say. I was strong and I had done everything I could for him and she told me it broke her heart to see how much I was trying and that her son didn't deserve me. She told me I deserved someone who was going to love me and make me happy. She asked why I was still fighting...

I remember being a little offended by that afterwards. I know now it was out of love.

I love her dearly. I love all of his family dearly & I'm grateful for them in so many ways. I hope she can one day forgive me for not being a better daughter-in-law. I hope she knows how much I love her and how she helped me in those last couple months.

 

 

 

August 22

It's been a struggle lately to find the motivation to blog. I didn't want to drown this blog with negative thoughts-yet today I would feel selfish if I didn't share with you. 

My heart today is full and filled with gratitude and love. I've been struggling the past couple of days and have felt as if once again that I've hit another dead end. After waiting weeks for the judge to sign our papers (To begin the 90 day wait) I received word from my lawyer that we were missing one paper..I was to fill it out and get it back to him as soon as possible so we could file it in and start the waiting process again. I admit; I was angry, bewildered, and frustrated. I read that email and just say at my desk crying. We've already been waiting so long. The judge was supposed to sign them..not send them back! I couldn't comprehend why things couldn't go right for just once. That day everything hit me at once. The frustration of searching for a job. Making sure bills could be paid. I had lunch with a friend and was told of how Mr. X was flirting and being suggestive around a former close friend. To be clear. I don't care if he is dating or whatever else. It's the fact is with her. Someone who caused problems in our marriage. He turned to her instead of me, he paid her compliments while telling me to go to the gym. It is with her that even if nothing physical happened that he emotionally became attached too. (If your struggling with a similar situation you should check out the talked titled "Virtual reality, actual risks") I let all these feelings of hurt, worthlessness, stress etc hit me and take over. I couldn't take it anymore so i went for a long, hard run. I ran until my legs felt like jell-o. I ran until I couldn't breath. I ran until I couldn't feel Satans pressure. I ran and prayed. I poured out my heart unto Heavenly Father. I told him of my worries, my feelings and thanked him for the blessings and asked for peace and to be able to forgive. The feeling I felt was overwhelming. I felt as if he was right there beside me and was protecting me from Satan as I contined home. I felt his love! I recieved the answer that everything would be okay, I needed to be patient and continue doing what I was doing. All in time. Since that day I have felt at peace with where I am in life and with the lords plan. Now we come to today! I found out that at my seasonal job I have the opportunity to stay an extra 6 weeks! I have found out that I might only have to wait a week or so before the judge signs (instead of being put at the bottom of the list) and today is my birthday! :) The love and wishes I have recieved today have been amazing! I am truly blessed! I feel so loved! I am so grateful for each person who has made an impression in my life and I am so grateful for this gospel and for the experiences that continue to make my testimony grow! 

blessings & temples

 

 I absolutely love going to the temple! Sometimes its difficult because something always comes up on the night you plan going but once your there its amazing! I feel so safe & its a comfort to me. I've been wanting to go back since I went to a friends wedding but I kept putting it off until today. I found a friend and went! I was also so excited to see the new movie! (I loved it!) Leaving the temple tonight I felt renewed and humbled. Being reminded of the promises that I'm given is humbling. I feel guilty for my feelings of questioning why I wasn't being given my blessing.. Let me explain. It's been hard to go through this when all your life growing up you hear about the fact if you do what you are told, pay your tithing, say your prayers, read your scriptures etc. that the Lord will bless you and you will be able to overcome anything and everything will be ok. Then BAM! Your life is out of control, your breaking a temple marriage, and all that is going through my head is how come I wasn't good enough for this marriage? Why wasn't I good enough for the blessing of an eternity? Thoughts such as that. That's when it hit me tonight. I am good enough, obviously the Lord isn't going to give me anything I cant handle, I know there is something I need to learn from this. I'm almost 20 and I can go to the temple anytime I want-that's a blessing! I'm blessed to be temple worthy. I am blessed so much in my life. What gives me the right to be angry with the Lord over what blessings I am given? I am so disappointed in myself over all of these things that I have been brewing over for a while now. Sitting in the session tonight I was overwhelmed with the spirit. One day I will be blessed with an amazing man who will take me to the temple & wants to go. I will be blessed with my own family one day.

 I cant begin to describe how thankful & how full my heart is.

 I love this gospel so much and I am so thankful that I have the privilege to know what I know & to be able to attend the temple. I'm thankful for the sacrament & to be able to renew my covenant's every Sunday. I'm thankful for righteous parents who have taught me & support me. I am so thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ who died for me. He knows how I feel. He knows what I'm going through. I'm thankful for a living prophet who continues to guide us. I do have a testimony of this gospel and that it IS true. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

 

 

Out with the old & in with the new!

Feeling pretty clever right now.. okay maybe not so clever but I've been writing some new goals down today and reflecting on old ones and trying to break away from "the list" hence.. out with the old & in with the new!

Every time I've tried to make some new goals for myself I would quickly become discouraged & tell myself I couldn't achieve them or I would never overcome them. I was constantly turning back to "the list" that Mr. X had made over time. I realized I was judging myself and measuring my self worth against this list. This list that is stupid & just plain dumb! Maybe one or two people know about a couple but who truly knows everything? Since no one knows of this blog I want to share. Just a few of this list that I was judging myself on... 

 

I couldn't fold his laundry the right way

I couldn't sweep the corners good enough

I couldn't wipe down the tables correctly

I looked good. I just couldn't lose my "love handles"

He didn't like any of my clothes

He hated that I would never wear a belt (Hate belts)

I would go barefoot outside...makes my shoes dirtier faster he said.

He wanted an ''active lifestyle''.. hence starting to work my butt off at the gym.. (now I love to run..so thanks?)

I would pick if I had a zit (I refuse to let a big white zit stay on my face.. gross!)

I was too independent

 

He was afraid to have kids because I might not be motivated enough to lose the ''baby weight''

I never cooked (I was working during the day and then going straight to school at night.. I love to cook and I'm sorry Sundays was the only day I had free. P.S. I make a delicious roast!)

He was afraid once we had kids I would just let myself go and be one of those moms (kinda similar to a previous one)

I would never dress down for him (hello...dress down and feel judged the whole time? No thank you..)

I would always come home and be laughing and have stories to share about my day while he would always have a bad day and that would make him even more annoyed

Gave me crap for drinking soda

 

I'm too stubborn (true..true..)

 

That's just to name a few. I reread this and I can't help but giggle. I'm sorry I love Coca-Cola, I'm sorry I couldn't look good enough. Besides on one last sour note.. deciding to bring kids into this world is an ever life changing decision and is wonderful and should be full of happiness!! Not crying in the bathroom scared your pregnant and wondering how you'll be treated when you start to show. I now look back and thank Heavenly Father that we didn't have kids. There will be no more defining myself and my souls worth by this.

 

And in with the new...

 

Start & Finish the 30 day Book Of Mormon challenge

 

Laugh everyday. Sounds silly but I feel like I lost my chipmunk laugh of mine for a long time, and now that its back-I don't want to lose it again.

 

Remember my thank you prayers

 

I want to run a 5k

 

Temple night!! With a family member.. with a friend or alone. I need to go more!

 

Attempt to start sewing

 

Patience

 

Stop judging my body. I am a daughter of a king & am beautiful just the way I am :)

 

So it may not be a long huge new list but its what I feel :)

Now excuse me... but I have to go and watch the end of The Bachelorette! Season finale baby!

 

 

 

 

 

Love me some Sundays & family

I love Sundays! I know for me personally that I always receive the perfect inspiration that pertains perfectly with what I need at the moment-whether it be from a talk in sacrament, my class lesson or however.  I love Sunday naps. I love spending time with family/friends. I love Sundays! Today was special for my family.. My cutest little cousin got blessed today! :)

(Not to brag or anything but he has the cutest chubbiest cheeks and beautiful blue eyes!)

 

When anyone asks me about getting married again one day I would always say the same thing... Not for me... I would rather just find someone, be happy and keep it at that. Or.. I couldn't even make the first marriage work let alone go through it all again.

Well that's a lie. Shocker!

 Want the truth? I do hope to marry again someday. (Considering I'm still young there is a highly good chance ha) I want to find someone who adds to who I am and have an eternal family! I hope that one day I can find someone who will love me and will have the same goals for a family. Not saying right now, or that I'm rushing to make it happen. Just one day..

It does scare me.. a lot! Yet, I know the next time it will be nothing less than what I deserve and nothing less than right. I sound kinda snotty but after putting everything into the marriage I had.. I think I deserve someone who is going to make me nothing less than happy. :)

I know that if I continue to do what I am supposed too and follow the counsels given to me that one day I will be blessed with my own eternal family!

 

Family has definitely been on my mind lately. I've been spending the past couple of days with my family and I am so grateful for them! I have the best family one could ever ask for! Their support and guidance has been a huge blessing! I'm so thankful to my birth mother who was selfless enough to give me to a family who had been waiting for a baby girl. I'm thankful that I was able to be sealed to my parents for eternity!

 

 

 

 

 

You have help..always!

 

I've been in awe of this quote for quite some time now. Jeffrey R. Holland couldn't have said it any better. It make me think about all the hero's that I have been blessed with in my life. I have been given much support through out this experience. My family has stuck by my side the whole time-even at times when all I did was push them away. I thank Heavenly Father every day that I was blessed into this family. I love you all more than you know! You find out who your true friends are when you hit rock bottom..to the couple that have stood beside me-I thank you as well. You have given me inspiration and given me courage when I thought there was nothing more for me. To the new hero's in my life...a friend who let me in-she understood I needed to be out and away. She may not know this but she inspires me so much. I wish her the best in her journey as she prepares for her own marriage! To another example in my life-showed me that I do deserve respect and helped me see that I still deserve what I've always wanted.

I love you all so much. I hope one day I can repay you for everything you have done for me!

Last of all, to my Savior. I love thee so much.

 





Feeling forgotten. Used. Worthless.

Feel Forgotten?

Feel Used?

Feel Worthless?

Those are only a few of the constant feelings I battle. I feel forgotten by the Savior, I feel as if my prayers go unheard and that I am not of any worth. I feel used after giving my whole heart and body to my soon-to-be ex husband. I feel worthless. I feel that I don't deserve love. I feel like I am 80 years old trapped in a 20 year old body. I really struggle to over come those feelings. Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else struggle to try and connect to people all over again?

 I wish I could tell you that I always turn to the Lord and that prayer is my answer. Its not. Should be. I'm working on it. I'm really trying to find my worth again-within myself and within the church. I have my days where it really just hits me and today was one. I prayed to Heavenly Father for guidance and to feel peace as I went through out my day. I prayed that he would listen to the prayer in my heart and gave thanks to the examples I have in my life to help me. During the slow times at work earlier I found some amazing talks and had to share!

In a talk given by Linda S. Reeves she said; "I testify that He has not forgotten you! Whatever sin or weakness or pain or struggle or trial you are going through, He knows and understands those very moments. He loves you! And He will carry you through those moments, just as He did Mary and Martha. He has paid the price that He might know how to succor you. Cast your burdens upon Him. Tell your Heavenly Father how you feel. Tell Him about your pain and afflictions and then give them to Him. Search the scriptures daily. There you will also find great solace and help." How powerful is that?! She ended her talk with this last one thing that really touched me... "We must feel and see for ourselves and then help all of Heavenly Father’s children to feel and see and know that our Savior has taken upon Himself not only all our sins but also our pains and our suffering and afflictions so that He can know what we feel and how to comfort us."

The next one that touched me was from Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk; You Matter To Him. (Highly recommend reading) He said "Another way Satan deceives is through discouragement. He attempts to focus our sight on our own insignificance until we begin to doubt that we have much worth. He tells us that we are too small for anyone to take notice, that we are forgotten—especially by God."(Which I know, but still hard right?) The following is what touched me the most...

At times we may even feel insignificant, invisible, alone, or forgotten. But always remember—you matter to Him! If you ever doubt that, consider these four divine principles:

First, God loves the humble and meek, for they are “greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Second, the Lord entrusts “the fullness of [His] gospel [to] be proclaimed by the weak and the simple unto the ends of the world.” He has chosen “the weak things of the world [to] come forth and break down the mighty and strong ones” and to put to shame “the things which are mighty.”

Third, no matter where you live, no matter how humble your circumstances, how meager your employment, how limited your abilities, how ordinary your appearance, or how little your calling in the Church may appear to you, you are not invisible to your Heavenly Father. He loves you. He knows your humble heart and your acts of love and kindness. Together, they form a lasting testimony of your fidelity and faith.

Fourth and finally, please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.

 

How can you not feel some reassurance from those words? I have to remind myself that I will always have my ups and downs. I just cant let Satan get the best of me. I have to much ahead of me to let times like this get me down! So this inspired me to start a new challenge! Ever heard of the 21 days closer to Christ? If you haven't...than go google it or something! :) It's worth taking a look into. I'm going to start it tomorrow and can't wait.

My Story

[I'm 20 yeas old, LDS & waiting on my divorce to be final]

Growing up you dream of your fairytale wedding... prince charming, a beautiful wedding dress, white temple & happily ever after. You never expect a tin foil fool, bad memories, heartache and divorce. Not exactly your typical Mormon fairytale. I'm beginning to learn that's okay.

This is my story.

 



I still don't know why I want to start this blog. Maybe it will be easier than trying to write down in my journal that is lost. Maybe I'm hoping my story can help someone else. Doubt anyone will find and read this anyways. I have to start somewhere so here it goes...

My story starts back a couple of years ago. I was going through a hard time & was questioning everything around me-including the gospel. I wanted to know for myself if it was true or not. I turned to the scriptures & even if it was only a few verses, I made sure to read. I continued with earnest prayer & prayer of thanks. Over a period of time my testimony continued to grow & I became even more hungry for more! I found peace & assurance through service & blessings & trying to be more Christ like. Wondering what this has to do with my story? Keep reading!

It was around this time that I met... shall we call him Mr. X? Meeting him just clicked. He was handsome & charming & a returned missionary... a package deal you could say! We dated for a year before he asked for my hand. Being engaged and getting ready for our life together felt right! In my heart I knew he was the one! I remember reading my patriarchal blessing and being amazed at how the puzzle of my life was coming together and seeing the blessings promised to me being laid out as I did what was right. I strongly believe that this was possible because of my personal journey to find out the truth for myself. I am extremely grateful for my search to know if the gospel was real and that I would be worthy of this amazing man and to enter in the temple! 3 months after he proposed we were sealed in the temple for all time and eternity! I was thrilled! This man right across the alter was mine! I couldn't wait to begin an eternity with him! Marriage started out to be great.. (Granted moving in with someone is always an adjustment) We soon got used to our new routine of being newlyweds. Shortly after being married I went back to school and continued to work full time while Mr. X worked full time. It began to be a strain working all day, school all night & not having time together. We would try to spend time we did have playing our favorite card game or talking. Those are the moments I try to remember instead of the ones that hurt the most. Looking back I believe we got so wound up in our own lives that we forgot to make time for "our" live together.

I want you to know that I am in no way anywhere near perfect. Heavens no. BUT a marriage cannot work without both of you trying. I started to notice that Mr. X was loosing what patience he did have and that he spent more time alone rather than wanting to go out, or do something as a couple when we did have time. He spent most of his time working. Gym. Working on cars. Most nights I would listen to him working in the garage and would go to bed crying. Trying to figure out why I couldn't be worth his time. (pity moment for me ha) If we had fights we would go to bed angry and wake up and pretend as if nothing happened. It was easier to walk away when his temper got high than to try and make things better or try to be positive. He never wanted to go to the temple. Hurts to look back and count that we went together twice. Both for weddings. Never wanted to go to a bishop. Never wanted to just spend time together. Soon nothing became good enough and I didn't know at the time but his list was growing.

3. 3 separations. The first; for a day. The second; for three weeks. The third; final. His last excuse? "I love things about you, but I'm not in love with you. You did everything right babe, I'm just no longer in love."
 During that last stretch of time I had many friends & family ask me why, Why was I still fighting? Why couldn't I face the truth? Why was I still making excuses for him? Why? You want to know why? I had to know. I had to know that I did everything spiritually, physically and mentally possible to save my marriage. My temple marriage. I can say with my whole heart that I tried. I tried everything possible. Right down to his list of things that wasn't right about me, right down to his list of things that I wasn't doing good enough. I tried. Long story short that brings us to now. This moment right here. Our papers are sitting on a judges desk still waiting to be signed (Been waiting for a long time now) so we can begin our 90 days for it to be finalized. Patience is a virtue I am working on right now. This is surely testing that.

I have learned a lot about myself than I ever thought since being separated and going through this divorce. I have learned that I am strong. I am Mormon. I am beautiful. I can be happy. I am still young. Most importantly, this divorce does not define me. It's one experience that helps define who I am but I refuse to let it make me bitter.