Tonight's thoughts

Well it's been a while since I last posted. A lot has changed.

 First of all, I just found out from my attorney that our papers were signed back in August so the middle of November everything will be final. I have a lot of mixed emotions right now; I feel relieved. I feel like a failure. I'm excited to see what life has in store for me next. I'm just glad to finally have heard something. I've came to an understanding that this doesn't make me a failure in life but it's still hard to see something I've worked at and something I put my whole heart just fail.

This may sound silly and I know you hear lots if girls complain about this BUT I've been freaking out lately. I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. And I hate it. I run. I work out. I cut out sugars and nothing. I look at myself and I'm at the weight that I was at when I separated Mr. X, which reminds me of how I know have my back handles back ( For a while I got super skinny after we separated. Due to stress and excessively spending time at the gym..not healthy I know) and I just see everything that is wrong. My face has chosen now to break out and all of the insecurities from Mr. X would point out are atill there. Is that normal?  I know it takes time but when I look at myself it's hard to see someone slightly pretty. Okay. Pity party is over.

I have this book..it's like a mini journal and I found it yesterday going through boxes. Each page has a day at the top. For example; September 30 -with 5 boxes underneath. You write the year in it and a little note about your day. A 5 year journal! I was married in December of 2011 and exactly 1 week later I had wrote this "Sometimes I fel like a huge failure. Once again I can't do anything right without having Mr. X criticizing how I do it."  Reading that and everything I had written for a few months shocked me. I went to my mom crying that same day because that was the first time he told me how I was skinny but I needed to lose my love handles.  I bring this up because it does hurt and I believe it will always hurt even just a little but  even through these tough moments and nights where it hits me that I do forgive him. I forgive the things he did and the things he said. I truly do wish him the best. I hope one day he realizes the potential he has and the man he can be and can find happiness again.

How did you forgive the one that hurt you? When did you have that moment of true understanding? How did you forgive yourself?

So many thoughts are in my head like always.