My Story

[I'm 20 yeas old, LDS & waiting on my divorce to be final]

Growing up you dream of your fairytale wedding... prince charming, a beautiful wedding dress, white temple & happily ever after. You never expect a tin foil fool, bad memories, heartache and divorce. Not exactly your typical Mormon fairytale. I'm beginning to learn that's okay.

This is my story.

 



I still don't know why I want to start this blog. Maybe it will be easier than trying to write down in my journal that is lost. Maybe I'm hoping my story can help someone else. Doubt anyone will find and read this anyways. I have to start somewhere so here it goes...

My story starts back a couple of years ago. I was going through a hard time & was questioning everything around me-including the gospel. I wanted to know for myself if it was true or not. I turned to the scriptures & even if it was only a few verses, I made sure to read. I continued with earnest prayer & prayer of thanks. Over a period of time my testimony continued to grow & I became even more hungry for more! I found peace & assurance through service & blessings & trying to be more Christ like. Wondering what this has to do with my story? Keep reading!

It was around this time that I met... shall we call him Mr. X? Meeting him just clicked. He was handsome & charming & a returned missionary... a package deal you could say! We dated for a year before he asked for my hand. Being engaged and getting ready for our life together felt right! In my heart I knew he was the one! I remember reading my patriarchal blessing and being amazed at how the puzzle of my life was coming together and seeing the blessings promised to me being laid out as I did what was right. I strongly believe that this was possible because of my personal journey to find out the truth for myself. I am extremely grateful for my search to know if the gospel was real and that I would be worthy of this amazing man and to enter in the temple! 3 months after he proposed we were sealed in the temple for all time and eternity! I was thrilled! This man right across the alter was mine! I couldn't wait to begin an eternity with him! Marriage started out to be great.. (Granted moving in with someone is always an adjustment) We soon got used to our new routine of being newlyweds. Shortly after being married I went back to school and continued to work full time while Mr. X worked full time. It began to be a strain working all day, school all night & not having time together. We would try to spend time we did have playing our favorite card game or talking. Those are the moments I try to remember instead of the ones that hurt the most. Looking back I believe we got so wound up in our own lives that we forgot to make time for "our" live together.

I want you to know that I am in no way anywhere near perfect. Heavens no. BUT a marriage cannot work without both of you trying. I started to notice that Mr. X was loosing what patience he did have and that he spent more time alone rather than wanting to go out, or do something as a couple when we did have time. He spent most of his time working. Gym. Working on cars. Most nights I would listen to him working in the garage and would go to bed crying. Trying to figure out why I couldn't be worth his time. (pity moment for me ha) If we had fights we would go to bed angry and wake up and pretend as if nothing happened. It was easier to walk away when his temper got high than to try and make things better or try to be positive. He never wanted to go to the temple. Hurts to look back and count that we went together twice. Both for weddings. Never wanted to go to a bishop. Never wanted to just spend time together. Soon nothing became good enough and I didn't know at the time but his list was growing.

3. 3 separations. The first; for a day. The second; for three weeks. The third; final. His last excuse? "I love things about you, but I'm not in love with you. You did everything right babe, I'm just no longer in love."
 During that last stretch of time I had many friends & family ask me why, Why was I still fighting? Why couldn't I face the truth? Why was I still making excuses for him? Why? You want to know why? I had to know. I had to know that I did everything spiritually, physically and mentally possible to save my marriage. My temple marriage. I can say with my whole heart that I tried. I tried everything possible. Right down to his list of things that wasn't right about me, right down to his list of things that I wasn't doing good enough. I tried. Long story short that brings us to now. This moment right here. Our papers are sitting on a judges desk still waiting to be signed (Been waiting for a long time now) so we can begin our 90 days for it to be finalized. Patience is a virtue I am working on right now. This is surely testing that.

I have learned a lot about myself than I ever thought since being separated and going through this divorce. I have learned that I am strong. I am Mormon. I am beautiful. I can be happy. I am still young. Most importantly, this divorce does not define me. It's one experience that helps define who I am but I refuse to let it make me bitter.